For the longest time, I was single. Not unattached, but technically still single—you know how it is. I had opened up about my past, after all. I was going for the whole independent-woman, I-don’t-need-a-man-but-it-sure-would-be-nice-to-have-one thing. Then along came you telling me that it would be your honor and privilege to keep me company…possibly for the rest of our lives. And long story short, I let you. And you know what? I never would regret letting you do so, even if it was just for a while–5 months, to be exact.
Now here I am, nearly a year later, by myself again. Undeniably single. Trying to find my way back to the me I used to be before you. But I realize that I can’t go back. There’s no going back from this brokenness. And really, “let’s be friends”? A lot of time would have to pass before that actually happens. So I have to go forward, make myself whole again, and become a new me… Without you.
I’ve been so used to chasing after the love I could never have, that when you came along and presented a love that I never really expected, I was both overjoyed and terrified at the same time. You made me believe that I was worth something…even if later on, when it ended and you took that love away, I found myself asking, “Will I always be too much and never enough?”
I know you loved me. It just wasn’t a strong-enough kind of love that could stand time or distance or my mood swings. I can’t really blame you, but it does hurt to the core, because you made me believe our love was stronger than any trial. You said it so many times, I didn’t realize you were really trying to convince yourself.
I’ve tried everything—from being friendly, to hating you with every fiber of my being, to acting as if you don’t exist, to begging you to at least just talk to me (not really in that order, and it was a vicious cycle). But none of that launched me into really moving on, because my heart… my stupid, fragile, ailing, stubborn heart couldn’t let go of you.
But I have to.
So this is me saying goodbye. This is not me giving up on you, but this is me, for the thousandth time, giving you up so that the good, acceptable, and perfect will of God would take place in our lives. This is me freeing you from expectations and grudges. This is me settling for not knowing everything, despite the questions that still linger in my head. This is me taking all your promises and letting the wind blow them away. This is me letting you go. This is me setting you free. This is me moving on.
But if somewhere along the way, our paths would cross again, I would want to see you happy, fulfilled, living as the man God created you to be. Because then I would know that the pain of letting you go is worth it.
Maybe someday we’ll get a second chance. Then again, maybe not. But until that day, know that to me, in this moment, you are, and will always be, the answer to my prayer, God’s special gift, and the one who tried to love me even at my worst but still ended up breaking my heart.
For all this… for all that you were to me, I will always be grateful. Thank you.
I hope you find the healing you seek, the rest that you deserve, and the strength and courage to fight for the love you choose.
Please choose to love.
This is from Ginny. Kaya kung may kahilingan ka, siya ang tawagin mo. Haha!