I had my questions up to now. Answers were long forgotten until now. This is my story. And this is just the start.
Why can’t I recognize someone’s love and affection for me? It is because I’m just a young girl blooming in life without much to share someone with. I used to have a suitor for 4 long years during my high school days. You bet it was an interesting, good news, super kilig life event for me. But it wasn’t. It was horrible, troublesome and tiring. Back then, it was for me. Yes, I have that confidence. I can tell you’re curious now about my looks. But it doesn’t matter. I hesitated to respond to this courtship not because I don’t like the guy, but because I am not yet a woman for him.
For that season, I can say I have no standards for my future spouse at all. Why? Because I was overwhelmed with lessons, projects, grades and extracurricular activities, I didn’t care about that at all. Then this guy showed me first of everything. He showed me care beyond what I receive from friends and classmates. He showed me attention beyond what I get during recognition day. He showed me efforts beyond what I see from my teachers. He showed me love beyond what I could comprehend. Needless to say, He showed me real affection and commitment.
But I believe God has never planned for our love story together. He’s now a father and a better man than he was years ago. I didn’t regret the experience, but I did regret what a bad girl I’ve been. So for now, I’m committed to be open. Open to what’s life gonna offer me. I will welcome all blessings and hardships that will come my way. Because it’s just life. And I have God. For those years, He carried me and guided me. All those are just what I needed for the season. I needed to awaken the woman in me and by doing so, I will be romanced and pursued the way God has designed me to be.
Why can’t I trust someone’s love and and affection for me? It is because reality sucks every hope I have in relationships. Friendship started to fail. Relationship began to be impossible. And commitment became worthless. What can I offer to put the pieces back together? Am I worth the temporary happiness it can give? Am I beautiful enough? Do I have what it takes to be seen and not be rejected? Questions started to drown me. Slowly taking the air inside me. I couldn’t breathe life. I couldn’t grasp the earth beneath me. I am losing control. I am tired. I am selfless. But who cares?
Why did I have to say that? Because people I came to encounter with, brings life lessons with most pain. My bestfriend for more than 10 years abandoned me. Never even bothered to say a word to me. My blockmate and close friend betrayed me. She just don’t want to accept me truly. My schoolmates used me. After satisfying their request for assistance in their thesis, they neglected me. Even used me as another person I know I’m not. Needless to say, the world hated me. It doesn’t want me hoping.
But I believe God has worked out all things for the best of me – my life, career and purpose. I can see much clearly now – why I need to see the brokenness, why I need to feel the pain and why I am here. So for now, I’m committed to believe. Believe that whatever happens, I have my God with me. Life may throw its biggest blows upon me but I will never be defeated. Because God didn’t make me helpless. I am beloved and highly favored. I am the woman who bears the image of my Creator just the way He is.
Why can’t I accept someone’s love and affection? It is because I shouldn’t. I don’t need a man without commitment. I don’t need a man with vows to another woman. I don’t need a man who’s not responsible enough to handle my femininity. Sometimes you just can’t have it all. You have the right love, but wrong timing is still wrong love. You have the right love, but wrong man is still wrong love. You have the right love, but wrong relationship is still wrong love. It was still wrong and I just can’t move on.
Someone in my twenties dared to build relationship with me. We had a real friendship. He has good intentions and I liked him. It was then I felt uneasy about it. Because I came to admire a man committed to another woman for more than 5 years. It was only then I came to know about it. So suddenly, I wanted to end the friendship without ifs and buts. It happened to be so real, I cannot afford to forget the way he treated me, the way he communicated his feelings for me and and the way we just compliment one another. It started that fast and it also ended that quick.
But I believe God doesn’t want that relationship for me. I was His most treasured possession He cannot just give to anyone. He wanted me to experience love not just for how it would feel, but for how it will endure time and earth. So for now, I gave Him my heart. I let Him own it. He has been the Lover I barely experienced. All He wanted is to rescue me from the sins and lies of any man who tried to diminish my worth. He was alive because of me. And I was alive because of Him. He knew all of me, and still loved me the same. He is love and He wanted that love to be bestowed upon me.
So why can’t I be single for the season? I may now see, trust and accept someone’s love and affection for me but it will only matter if it’s a relationship that God wanted. I am in no hurry to belong to someone, because I already do. I am just waiting on him with Him. Because in that due time, every moment will count and every day will surpass a lifetime with God’s best for me.
About the author: I am Larizza Doneza Dulay, CPA. More than the title, I really want CPA as in Chicken Pork Adobo. Haha. And I love corny jokes! I was born and raised in Cavite and worked as an auditor of a bank. I have a heart for writing things down as I share in my blog Captivating. I always love to read, and dream of having one I can put my name on. I was always proud of being a woman, and a woman I will always be. Meet me soon!
Visit her blog at larizzadulay.wordpress.com and say hello to her!
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