Here’s my unlikely story of LDR. I promised this will be my last time I will ever gonna write something about that “stranger”.
Bago ang lahat, I really like the title. Parang water cycle lang. Kung baga nagsimula sa tubig tapos naging vapor, tapos naging clouds, tapos naging ulan at sa huli babalik pa rin sa pinagsimulan. Anyway, naalala ko rin ang isang blog article na ginawa ko dati: Ang Evolution ni Boy Labo to Boy Linaw to Boy Ligaw to Boy Friend.
Even after 8 long years, everything still seemed so vivid – right from texting him back while rigorously investigating his whereabouts to make sure he isn’t one of our neighbors up until he successfully convinced me to calling him for the first time because he said it was his birthday.
There, I heard his voice. Quite cocky (ain’t lovely) and seemed to mock me all the way because I fell on his trap. It wasn’t his actual birthdate, BTW. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that before I started visualising any coincidences and comparing his mock-birthdate to my actual birthday (e.g he’s 5 years, 5 months and 3 days older than me and my birthdate is 8). Hey, highschool peeps used to do those weird comparisons just to look like you’re all compatible.
OMG! May mga ganito pala talagang lalake?! Grabe. Kaya girls, ingat talaga kayo sa mga ganyang style. Ipatokhang na ba natin? 🙂
Fast forward to that, I became his constant SMS receiver all throughout high school. I was studying in Bukidnon while he was at the western side of Mindanao, finishing his degree for IT. It felt so weird because at that time, never did I carry my cellphone all the time despite that time’s growing popularity of textmates and clanmates. But he got my attention right away, making me feel, ” Ito naba talaga ang feeling may textmate?” LOL
Ayan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Yang textmate na ganyan. Pero honestly, sarap din na may textmate diba? Haha! Good morning. Goodnight. Kain na u! Ingats.
Back then, I’m so reckless into putting too much affection for someone whom I didn’t know personally. I had invested time, effort (calls and texts) and countless of money for loads just to be in contact with that person, especially at times when he’s saying he’s in the hospital for operation or illnesses. I would deliberately sneak around just to call and ask if he was okay or even if he told me to call him, I will do without any second thoughts. He told me a lot of his violent activities (e.g riot), which freaked me out all the time. I’ve been warned but I often rebuffed, telling myself, “This is just part of my teenage years. This, too, shall pass”. I became blinded by this belief and from his words that he needed my comfort as a friend. I was too naive to believe everything, including that of even friendship can save life- his life.
Haaay. Totoo kaya ang pinagsasabi nung guy? Continue reading. Para akong nagbabasa ng pocketbook. LOL
Among all of these were the times when I checked local news on their place (Western Mindanao) to fact check if there was really an existing riot, among other ways as I had no way of proving whether he’s telling a lie or not. If stalker ever existed at that time, I would gladly declare myself as such. Eventually, I became exhausted into digging up someone’s life. Who wouldn’t, right? Instead, I let things happened that way they did. So was the beginning.
Girls, mag-ingat po kayo sa mga lalaking taga-Western Mindanao. Generalization. Haha!
The moment I put my guard down was the start of all possibilities. The possibility that he would reciprocate, making me feel special in return. Though there were hints of courtship, I didn’t dare to respond for I haven’t had any idea how courtship works virtually. Somehow, there’s in me that wants to give in primarily because I became too involved in his life it made me feel guilty of leaving him anytime soon. At this point, not just a “virtual friend” but something more than that. I came to realize I wasn’t there just for his own welfare, rather it was for me and my unexplainable attachment.
Many times where I couldn’t stand a day without being too anxious for not receiving a single text from him. I cried some other nights because that anxiousness had completely drowned me. Few weeks later, he came back and told me he was on a major operation. I was high school that time and during my last days in secondary, I cared for him like I’ve never cared for anyone else and that he’s life is kinda messed up. I felt I’m needed.
Then things changed when I went for college.
I kept asking signs from above if he’s really for me. I dared him too many times to leave, even if making so would unconsciously hurt me inside. I made the worst possible scenarios for us just to make him believe I’m invincible and heartless. I deliberately turned myself into a “virtual beast” there is- cursing, degrading and manipulating him as if he’s someone who has no brains and feelings at all.
But it didn’t succeed.
His eagerness made him stay for another couple of years, slowly making me fall for him, eventually. The textmate whom I thought would only last on highschool, became a constant “virtual friend” on college.
This time, it was me who kept seeking. We had an on and off communication and I thought he planned it for a revenge. Because of this illogical thought, it was then easy for me to make it hard for him to come back each and everytime, stating that I tried the hardest to forget about him then suddenly, he would simply go back as if nothing happened.
This happened so many times I could no longer count those instances. I get tired of blocking and unblocking his FB account and his phone number, only to memorize his number so I just knew it if the SMS I received was from him. Sounds like an immature child really. It’s tiring to treat someone bitterly, finding yourself getting dragged into it so I just go with the flow. Whenever he’s back, I would so tell myself, “Stop the bitterness. Let go of yourself and never mind whether that person ever existed. Being bitter would mean you still have something”.
Blocking and unblocking. Haha! Pwede rin bang loving and unloving? LOL!
He’s really clever into winning me back. My supposed shield of ” friendship” turned out to be more serious one, but as I kept on denying our situation, I always turn him down days or even weeks after I said yes. That lasted for another two years until on my last day of college.
Suddenly, he went missing again, only to tell me months later that he was on Davao and would love to see me in person. That was I guess the fifth year of knowing each other virtually. But I didn’t trust him. I created so many personas of him inside my mind being dangerous in relation to his past, including that of stigmas we had for Muslim and the way he behaved in in chat or text. Yep, it terrifies me how he wanted to do “censored” things so I imagined this being his motive for the meet up. For safety, I didn’t show up.
Wow! Umabot kayo ng 5 years? Edi wow! Buti di ka nagpakita. Good decision.
Again, he’s gone and nowhere to be found. I enjoyed my life after graduation. Never received any congratulatory from him or just any “hi and hellos”, I continued living up to 9 months. I felt so proud of that achievement. 9 months was so far the longest time we never had in contact and I couldn’t just imagine the pain I have to bear when as I have mentioned above, even a day would kill me for not getting anything from him.
I tried outdoors, mountaineering, a new job new set of friends and a family vacation- it all helped me out moving my life forward- ONLY to fall into his trap again. 9 months ang he showed up to my friend’s request (because I unblocked him so there’s really a way to get in touch”).
Then cycle begins.
This time, I already had the dreams of my own, and no matter how I tried to put him in the future, I just couldn’t. He stayed the same- though not the violent one but maybe a weaker version of himself. He remained secretive and only gave attention whenever we talked about censored one. He’s no longer the one to please me when I’m mad, or maybe he just realized he’s no longer the puppy one. And things got worse and worse.
I went to India to mainly to help my sister who was pregnant at that time and partly to move on. But he made his way back into my life. When I get back to get my employment Visa, I decided to finally meet him – for hopes that maybe all we need was a proper closure. That was my last straw.
I met him a day before my supposed flight back to India. After 8 years, meeting him once wasn’t enough to get hold of him anymore. I was never contented because up to the last moment, I still find him as stranger. Never know his plans while he already knew mine. I eased myself and told him I would never see you again.
Even if I stayed in Paranaque for a couple of days after I was off loaded and that he was just living in Roxas Blvd, I never dared to see him again.
Hope until forever.
Well, isang sindikato yang mga ganyang lalaki. Huwag kang papadala. Just trust God that He will write your own love story in a unique way. Don’t be attached sa mga ganyang gawalan. Sabi nga ng Boiling Waters, mga ninja yang ganyan. Wait for your warrior! Maraming salamat sa pagbabahagi ng iyong kuwento!
About the author: Michaela is born and raised in Mindanao, her dream to travel far beyond this island came true on her 20’s. Now that she’s currently staying in India, she seems to have open her senses into diverse cultures and people. Seems like a huge feat though for a Psychology graduate like her, whose understanding to various types of people’s behavior ultimately helps her get through in every life’s challenging transitions. Visit her blog at itsmicaejamora.wordpress.com and say hello to her!
Para sa gustong maging guest blogger sa aking site, read this: How to be part of BLOgUEST 101.
PS: Ang ganitong blockquoted na mga salita ay aking side comments lang. Hindi iyon kasama ng guest blog. 🙂